things to work on in order to be a better parent, or, a better person while parenting

When you get right down to it, what I want most for Ava is that she be joyful, exuberant and full of life.  That she bloom into the fullest expression of herself.  That she have the confidence to follow her inner compass and believe in herself.

Therefore, how can I shape my interactions with her so that I do not diminish her?  

~ remember that it is more important that she be happy and feel loved than it is that she is tidy or has good table manners (yeesh)

~ things do not always have to be done my way.  why should they?  allow her to find her own way sometimes.  

~ I are not always right, just because I am the grownup.  quite often, in fact, I am wrong.  admit it when you are wrong.

~ don't be a bully.  she needs me to cut her a little slack and not be so bossy all the time.  quit nagging.

~ be aware of what you say.  make certain it is: KIND, TRUE and NECESSARY.  if not, bite your tongue.

~ I know how to push her buttons and set her off, so why do it?  she hates when i nag her, i know that.  i should back off and save my input for when it really matters.  ask yourself, what is the worst that could happen here?  example... she is not drinking her milk.  well, the worst is that she will be thirsty and eventually drink something.  oh well.  or, she is eating with her hands, again.  the worst is that she gets messy.  it is highly unlikely that she will grow up to be an adult who plays with her food and eats with her hands.  but she could grow up to be an adult who feels like her mother was nothing but a grumpy, bossy and no fun lady who constantly rained on her parade.  which is worse?  duh.

~ don't be mean.  don't curse at her, no matter how frustrated you are.  that is never an ok way to speak to your little girl.  your language matters.  never speak to her in a hateful way.  she deserves your respect always, your kindness and your patience.  PERIOD.

Most of all, just enjoy her.  be spacious and allow her to grow.  We are so lucky to be on this journey together with her.  I am not supposed to shape her.  I am supposed to build her up inside, so she can take whatever shape she likes.

OM

24 weeks

138 pounds.... thats 15 pounds total.  Still dancing but it is harder.  Las week I felt like shit in class but I figured out that A) i was overtraining by doing cardio on the days I was not dancing.  being pregnant seems to definitely reduce athletic recovery, especially since I cannot eat many carbohydrates.  I was so fatigued, I literally think I had NO ATP in my muscles at all. and B) i was not eating enough before class, so now I have been having a bigger breakfast early and then having a big snack in the hour before class.  magic!  no dizzy, woozy, wimpy dancing.

so we learn and on we go.  ever the scientist, it seems, testing and retesting the progress and changes that come with this wacky experience called pregnancy.  i am back on a week of 4x a day glucose tesing, since this is the week they normally scan people.  figured i would check in and see if my diet is still where it needs to be.  I am finding that so far, all is well.  I am drinking a full quart of infusion now a day both to help avoid varicosities (the oatstraw does that) and help regulate the glucose metabolism (the dandelion leaf and nettle do that, so sayeth 'herbal wisdom for the childbearing year').  Speaking of... should have some now!

Mellecio from the Joe Goode Performance Group came to class yesterday.  We danced together and we kicked ass.  I think maybe I'll pursue Joe Goode again a little bit after I have the bebe.  I am a much better dancer now than three years ago last time I took his workshop.  Maybe I will see about going to class there sometimes next fall, and doing their winter workshop.

la la la... supposed to rain tomorrow which is good.  we are seriously, dramatically, no fucking joke in a major drought.  3 years in and we are having a 70 degree and sunshine January.  they say that even if it rains nonstop through the end of march we won't restore appreciable levels to normal.  which means terrible wildfires, more tree loss in the sierras, higher food prices and agricultural shortages and most likely water rationing.  yeeks!

ok

xoxo

Sorry, it's been awhile

Last monday we found a mold infestation in our bedroom.  LONG STORY.  Basically it stems from the drafty windows and lack of adequate heat creating cold and condensation, mold's favorite things.  It covered the wall of bay windows floor to ceiling, and wend all along the north wal behind the book case and the dressers.  the back of the dressers were covered, and the entire right side of the closet.  In the closet it took out Matt's wool winter overcoat, all our luggage and a number of random items.  The other things we took to dry cleaning, some with mold and some without.  It did not get my wedding gown or the evening gown I wore in Michelle's wedding... THANK GOD.

Anyways, it has been a wild couple weeks of negotiating with the property management to get them to take care of it, and take care of us in the process.  Tomorrow we will be moving to a hotel for two days while the repaint with special mold resistant material.  Next week they will be replacing all the windows in the bedroom and the living room with modern windows that both open and seal... how about that?  Now we won't have to pay to heat the whole city with the little gas heater on the wall because the windows won't have 1/4 inch gaps around the sills.

But to get them to pay for our damaged stuff we would have to take them to court.  which we may well do, since we have to replace our mattress to the tune of $1000.  Ah well, atleast we'll have a newly refurbished bedroom out of the deal.

So I had a midwife appt. today. Lovely as always.  I am 21 and a half weeks, I have gained 12 pounds.  On sunday I saw the baby moving from the outside for the first time, and Matt got to see it too.  Fun for him for sure.  He swears that Ava didn't move that much this early, so apparently this one is our monkey.

that's all.

19 weeks

yup.  Weighed myself yesterday, total weight gain so far is 9 pounds.  Feeling good about that, although since we had cheesecake for dessert last night after our belated christmas dinner I feel as though I gained another five last night as i slept ;)

Christmas was nice, although Matt had to go in to cook a banquet for the Boston Celtics.  Punks.  But we had a big opening stockings/presents celebration in the morning with Irish Breakfast.  Charity and jamie and Solara came for breakfast, which was really fun.  Everybody took off at 1pm, Matt to the hotel and Charity & jamie home so Charity could work on a paper for med school.  Ava and I went to the 3pm carol service at Grace Cathedral, which was AWESOME.  It was such a small service, maybe 50 or 70 people, that they had us sit up in the choir behind the high altar and led the service up there.  Ava and I sat in a little carved wooden banquette seat where one of the bishop types usually sits.  It was so cool to be up there.  And the service was lovely... it was carol hymn singing and in between the minister read poetry, both sacred and secular that worked with the message of christmas... including two by ee cummings.  We could just call out which hymn we wanted to sing.  It was great, and I am so glad we went and I didn't just stay lazy on the couch...

Then we had a christmas dinner party last night, since Matt was off.  Charity and Jamie came.  We had shrimp and white bean bruschetta for an appetizer, salad of bitter greens with pommello and avocado in a meyer lemon vinagrette.  Entree was red snapper, cauliflower puree, and blood orange/fennel salad.  Dessert was cheesecake from Miette because I was not feeling up to baking, but I did make a meyer lemon and raspberry sauce for it.  I had big plans to make gingerbread and serve it with whipped cream and blood orange sorbet, but then I remembered the fancy cake store and pregnancy laziness took over.

I think that it's actually nice to split it up, and not have christmas dinner on christmas day.  A big, celebratory breakfast is grand fun, and comfy.  Everyone in their jammies or comfy clothes, with mugs of coffee.  Then just a long mellow day and a light early supper and maybe a movie.  Then a fancy dinner another night... we've decided that we'll do it this way from now on we liked it so well.

Matt's sister Ellen is coming out on new years day.  They decided not to mail any of their presents so christmas was actually surprisingly low key... with just presents from my family and from Sean who mailed his.  But I am sure we can expect an onslaught when Ellen arrives bearing all of their gifts...

woohoo!

T I R E D

so so tired today.  I really had to push myself through working out, and after had to have lunch NOW and then hot bath and then nap.  And now I am so sleepy and it is only 8pm...

anyways, did an hour 10 minutes of treadmill/elyptical combo.  It was super hard.  oy.  long week...

Dharma

led my practice today.  Opted to stay home and practice yoga, do laundry and have a day off rather than go to KK's last class until January 16.  That is always a bit of russian roulette kind of choice for me, since if I flake on practicing then I will self immolate about it.  But it turned out well today, did a lovely practice with Dharma's DVD... striking scorpion and open compass and hanumanasana after hanumanasana and all.  Even got to do full pranayama practice and so hum dhyana.  Pranayama for preggos that is...  was nice.

Had an appointment with Sue, first time we were all alone, since Matt was at work and Rebecca was out of town.  Got to hear baby reruns heartbeat for a moment before it dodged the doppler, sue confirmed that it does like to hang on the right side though as I was feeling... that's where we found the heartbeat until it got shy.  Sometimes at night when I lay on my back it seems like my whole uterus it over on the right half of my belly.  Baby rerun loves my right side.  That makes me wonder... is it stage left to baby?

Things are good.  17 1/2 weeks, I have gained 7 pounds.  So far I've worked out everyday this week and feel great.

Thats about all.

cold

it's very cold here this week.  apparently we got the storm that froze New Hampshire solid and left one million people with no power.  Out here is has translated to the low 40's and RAIN.  making for damp, seeping, bone chilling cold.   Although they are stoked in Tahoe, they have 3 feet of snow and still falling.

Speaking of Tahoe, Rose's man finally proposed to her a month or so ago and they are planning a wedding for august.  So happy for her, and can't wait to attend.  Am curious whether they will be walking down the aisle, or riding motorcross...  hella, bro.

Today I am pretty tired.  I was up at 6 to get to a 7am housecall.  But I went for a 30 minute walk outside after, because it got sunny briefly and was brisk and bright and fresh and lovely to walk in.  Invigorating.  Then I had 2 clients and did a 45 minute fast treadmill walk.  I did not have intervals or elyptical in me today.  I stretched after for about 30 minutes.  Then I still had time for lunch and a nap before getting bunny.

Tomorrow is KK's last class for awhile.  She'll be back in January.  And then I have a midwife appointment with Sue Baelen at 1pm.  I love her.  She is like a goddess teddy bear.  Big love she's working, that lady.  She makes me feel safe and good and warm and fuzzy when she's here.  I am so glad she is going to help me have my baby.  What a gift.